iAlphabetize Sam and Freddie
by nerd-out-loud
Summary: Seddie oneshots from Ambitious to Zoology
1. iAmbitious

**Author's Note...**

**Wow, I did not realize this chapter was so SHORT! I guess now I know to write more than a page and a half for chapter 2...**

**The owner of iCarly is Dan Schneider. I am not Dan Schneider. Therefore, I do not own iCarly.**

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><p>Freddie was in love with Carly from the moment he met her. They were 11 when she moved into Bushwell, just before the start of the sixth grade. She was sweet, and nice, and friendly, and her brown hair smelled like candy.<p>

And then there was Sam. He met her on the first day in science class. She was rude and violent, and her wild blond hair smelled nothing like candy. They had their very first fight that day, over the last ham sandwich in the cafeteria.

He was ridiculously ambitious. If he wanted something, he would try with everything he had to get it. For a long time, that something was Carly. Through rejection after rejection, he never gave up on her. Not consciously, anyway.

He only realized he was really, truly, over her when she set her sights on Adam. He didn't feel an ounce of jealousy, and had no desire to tell those crazy Creddiers that they were right, that he and Carly were deeply in love. He'd actually felt kind of bad when Adam had been mobbed by the insane fans. By that count he'd been over Carly for at least six months. And maybe that's when he decided he could have feelings for another webgirl. A blond one, that was vicious and obsessed with pork, and tormented him from the first moment they met. The feisty girl who'd been his first kiss and secretly loved all things techy. The girl whose hair had begun to smell like the air in Seattle right before a storm. They'd had their moments; their fair share of times when you could've felt the awkward, or you could've almost thought they were friends. Eventually, Freddie realized that, yes, they were friends. Good friends. Best friends. Maybe they could eventually be more than friends.

Not now. Certainly not now. After she got more normal, maybe they could try dating. He didn't know if his feelings for her were quite to that point yet. They'd probably murder each other five minutes into their first date. There was also the fact that she would never like him like that. She liked using him as a punching bag, sure, but he was positive she'd never like him as a completely dateable guy. Somewhere between that first day in the cafeteria and that crazy day at Webicon, Freddie had decided that Sam wasn't so bad after all.

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><p>His laptop beeped and he looked down at it. The words "In Love" were flashing blue and red, taunting him. The pain in his chest told him that he thought of Sam as more than just "not so bad".<p>

"Can I move now?" Freddie looked up at Sam.

"Uh... yeah." he replied.

"So what's her mood?" Brad asked, turning the camera toward Freddie.

"It's uh… It's inconclusive," he stuttered out. _Act __cool. __So __she__'__s __in __love __with __Brad. __No __big __deal. __Just __find __a __new __girl. __Be __happy __for __her._

"What? No reading?" Sam got up off her chair and grabbed the bag of tortilla chips, confusion etched across her face.

"It was working this morning," said Brad, perplexed.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go see if Carly has any tissues," Freddie blurted. He bolted out of the room with the laptop tucked under his arm. _Play __it __like __you__'__re __happy __for __her. __Don__'__t __let __her __know __you__'__re __upset. __Brad __will __be __good __for __her.__You __don__'__t __love __her.__You__'__re __just __friends. You're just friends_.


	2. iBaffle

**So, this is still pretty short, only about three hundred words longer than iAmbitious. However, this is the last one that was already completely written in my notebook, so for chapter three I'll know to write like ten pages.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own a bunny. Therefore, I am not Dan Schneider. Which also means I don't own iCarly.**

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><p>Sam Puckett was not easily confused. Sure, she didn't care about school, but that didn't mean she wasn't smart or couldn't keep up. She could figure out someone's intentions, and decide if someone genuinely liked her or not. She immediately knew that Carly was a total goody-goody, that Spencer was crazy, and that Gibby belonged in an institution. But one person always left her completely baffled.<p>

That person, that boy, that techy nub that she constantly harassed, was absolutely impossible to figure out. She knew the facts, of course; His mom was psychotic, his father had left, and he had a ridiculous crush on Carly. Sam herself had been his first kiss, and he had been hers. Those things she knew without a doubt, but his feelings toward her, or toward anyone but Carly, were a mystery. She couldn't read him like she could read others, and lately his very presence scattered her brain in fourteen different directions; it frustrated her.

All week Sam had been a little off kilter. She knew she'd been acting strange, and she knew everyone had noticed. Carly was being obnoxious about it, nagging her over hanging out with Freddie and Brad, and now insisting that she make a move and get her feelings out there. Freddie was suspicious, not catching that she was acting different because she liked someone, but thinking she was up to something devious and potentially illegal, and then making up a two-headed amphibian to get the blond alone with Brad. Even the stupid Mood Face app knew something was up. It had started the whole problem in the first place and confirmed what she'd been internally arguing about for nearly a year; slowly but surely, she really _had _fallen for the nub. At least no one had figured it out. They all thought she was in love with Brad, which she could deny without feeling the pang of sadness she felt when she said she hated Freddie.

Now, sitting in the courtyard, Sam thought back to the times she had almost let her secret out. The day she realized she _really_ liked him, when he'd been hit by the bike messenger, or the day she and Freddie went to pick out furniture for Carly's new room. When he'd hired Ashley, and when everyone went to Los Angeles to interrogate Steven. There had been a lot of close calls. Sighing, Sam lifted a water bottle to her mouth.

"Yo, yo," she looked up to see Freddie peeking around the side of the door.

"Carly send you to find me?"

"Nope," Freddie replied, popping the 'p'. _Sure she didn't, _Sam thought. _Like you'd come find me of your own accord._

"Oh, so you don't know we had a little argument," Sam rolled her eyes. _Go away._

"She told me about your _little argument_," Freddie leaned up against the brick wall. "I just said she didn't tell me to come find you."

"Good."

"Carly's right," he said. Sam groaned as dramatically as she could. "Groan all you want."

"I don't care what your stupid PearPad app says about me being in love. I'm not into Brad like that," she rolled the water bottle between her hands.

Freddie sighed. "Lately, every time I tell you that Brad and I are doing something together, _you _want to come hang with us."

"And that means I'm in love with him?"

"Well you hate me!"

"I never said I hate you," Sam mumbled guiltily.

"Yeah you have! Like nine hundred times. I still have the birthday card you gave me that says _Happy Birthday, I hate you…Hate, Sam_!"

"Just leeeave," she pointed to the door.

"Fine, I'll leeeeeave."

"Bye."

"But before I go-"

Sam stood. "That's it! Get out of here before I do a double fist dance on your face."

"You can threaten your double fist face dancing all you want. But Carly's still right," He looked up, then continued. "Look, I know it's scary for you to put your feelings out there. 'Cause you never know if the person you like is gonna like you back. Everyone feels that way. But you never know what might happen if you don't-"

And then Sam was closing the gap between them and pressing her lips to his. Freddie froze, arms still held out in explanation. _Crap, I've completely freaked him out,_ Sam thought. After a full eleven seconds, she stepped back and looked up at him. The look of shock and confusion she saw confirmed her fears.

He blinked a few times. "I-"

"Sorry," she averted her eyes from his in shame. Showing him how she felt had been a terrible mistake.

"It's cool," Freddie spluttered out, the look on his face saying it most certainly was not cool.

They stood there for a moment, completely silent, looking around like awkward little kids who'd just kissed under the big slide.

"No," Sam finally forced out. "It's not. I- I shouldn't have," she grabbed her water bottle and made to leave.

"It wasn't Brad," he said, still processing the situation. It wasn't a question. It was more of a fact, and he sounded just as baffled as she felt.

"No chizz."

Then Sam ran, her emotions going crazy, tears beginning to leak from her eyes. _Stop it Sam, Pucketts don't cry_. She only stopped running when she came to the locked main door of the school.

It took her a full minute to pick the lock and escape into the cool night air.

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><p><strong>Who has two thumbs and enjoys your opinion? This girl!<strong>

**So click that little speech bubble and leave me a review! **

**Wow it's been a long time since I've published anything. I used to tell people to click the periwinkle button... but now it's gone :(**


	3. iCake

**Hi everybody! Sorry about the long wait between iBaffle and this chapter. This one takes place during the events of iTwins. Its the first time I've done multiple 'scenes' in one chapter in a really long time, so it's a little sketchy, but I hope you enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: I am not the owner of iCarly **

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><p>"I can't believe you guys did that!" Freddie whispered angrily, trying not to attract attention, a lost cause considering the clown costume he was wearing.<p>

"I repeat, Sam made me do it!" Carly insisted.

Sam smacked her arm. "_You_ came up with clown day!"

Carly couldn't help but grin. "I did indeed," Freddie glared at her. "But it was Sam's idea to prank you in the first place, I swear!" she quickly added. An 80s mix started playing over the intercom, indicating five minutes until class started. "Oh well, I gotta get to math. See you guys later!" She took off around the corner and Freddie turned to face Sam.

"You're gonna regret this Puckett," he scowled.

"Now, now Benson. I think we've established that revenge is a poor choice," Sam raised her eyebrow.

Freddie turned beet-red. "What happened to never speaking of it again?" he stuttered.

"Don't know what you're talking about. I'm just saying that if want to spare yourself more humiliation, you'll simply accept that Carly and I pulled this little prank and move on with your life. Got it?"

"Um… yeah. Got it. Revenge equals bad idea," he gulped, trying to return the image of the two of them on the fire escape to the depths of his mind; it wasn't working.

"Good." The music floating through the air stopped, leaving the hallway around them completely silent. She grabbed Freddie's arm. "Come on, we better get to Howard's class. We wouldn't want to miss a lecture on the Confederacy, its superiority over the Union, and what a great idea he thinks it was."

Freddie did a double take as they neared the classroom door. "You've actually been paying attention? Call the mental institution, Sam Puckett knows what we're discussing in class!" Sam stuck her tongue out.

They walked in just in time, right as the bell rang, earning a scowl from Mr. Howard. They took their seats across from each other and took out their history notebooks. Freddie watched as Sam ripped a page out and scribbled a quick note. She waited until Howard turned away to write on the board, then crumpled up the paper and tossed it over to Freddie. He quickly smoothed it out and glanced down at it.

_Yes, I do know what's going on. This class is _cake.

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><p>Carly was sitting at the kitchen table, working on her English homework, when Sam Puckett began yelling from her schoolbag.<p>

"Answer the phone. Answer the phone. Answer the pho-" she grabbed her PearPhone out of the front pocket and accepted the call.

"Hey, what goes on?" Carly got up and got a cup of water.

"Melanie's coming home to visit," Sam shouted frantically. Carly promptly dropped the cup, not prepared to run interference for the duration of the family reunion.

"I don't know why you two don't get along. You're twins for crying out loud!" she grabbed a towel and began to mop up the puddle of water.

"Because she's a prissy little princess and we have _nothing _in common!" she could tell Sam was scowling.

"Just try to be hospitable, okay?"

"Hostile? Piece of cake. I'll be at your place in twenty to plot," Sam hung up before Carly could correct her. Hopefully she'd be able to convince Sam to be nice to her sister, if not for her own sake then for everyone else's.

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><p>Carly sat across from Freddie, completely shocked. Freddie was trying to clear the recently choked-on Strawberry Splat from his throat.<p>

"You've known Melanie for _two days_. What compelled you to ask her out?"

"The fact that she's-" he stopped to cough, "not Melanie. I know this whole thing is just a prank. So I'm going on this date to prove it."

Carly rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say." She gathered her things and headed towards the door. "Just know, you're crazy."

Freddie stayed seated, a smug grin filling his face. Carly shook her head and left. She would convince him somehow… or maybe, she'd convince him that he was _right_.

She pulled out her phone, quickly scrolling through her contacts to the "M" section, and sending a text.

_I need you to convince Sam to take your place this Saturday night._

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><p>Sam was sitting on the couch watching <em>Girly Cow<em> when her mom and Melanie got home from the clinic. She had her phone tightly clutched in her right hand, a bottle of root beer in her left.

"I'm going out girls! Don't wait up!" Pam shouted as she grabbed a different pair of shoes and headed back out the door.

Melanie got a strawberry yogurt out of the fridge and plopped down on the couch next to Sam to eat it.

"What's up? Oh _Girly Cow_!"

Sam got straight to the point. "I hear you have a date with Freddie this Saturday night."

"Yeah, he asked me at the Groovy Smoothie after you went back to detention," she didn't seem all that concerned about it.

"But why would he ask you? He thinks you're me-," a light bulb went off in Sam's head. "He thinks you're me… he wants to prove that you don't exist!"

"I figured you catch on eventually little sister. He thinks he's going on a date with you," Melanie giggled.

"What did he say when you said yes?" Sam inquired.

"Well aren't _you _nosy," she focused her attention on the television.

"Mel!"

She laughed. "He got all smug at first then realized 'you' said yes. Then I left. If you want to know more, go interrogate Shay."

Sam scowled. "I'm not _interrogating_ anyone. I'm just curious."

"Don't lie. What's up with you two?" Melanie gave her a knowing look.

"Nothing! He's Freddie!" Sam picked up the remote and started flipping through the channels at top speed.

"Seriously Sam? Something's going on there, or something _was _going on there," she smirked.

"Shut up Mel," Sam grumbled.

"Oh my God! Something did happen! Do you like him?"

"No! He's nerdy, and weak, and he's a total mama's boy."

"But he's cute!" Melanie nudged Sam's arm. "So what happened? Did someone set you guys up on a date? Did he confess his love for-"

"We kissed! Okay? We kissed!"

Melanie dropped her yogurt carton, her jaw hanging open. "Holy… how?"

"Remember that time he handcuffed me to Gibby and I told _everyone_ he'd never kissed a girl?" Sam asked. Melanie nodded. "Well he was getting a bunch of crap about it, and Carly was going on about how I ruined his life. So I went to talk to him out on the fire escape and we got to talking about how neither of us had had our first kiss, and then he suggested that we kiss, but I actually sort of suggested it too, and then we kissed. We kissed and we both swore it was just to get it over with, but I think I actually liked it and ever since I've been all confused because what if I did actually-"

"_Sam_! Shut up for a second!" Melanie shouted.

"Sorry."

"So what if you did like it? It's not the end of the world!"

"But it is! We hate each other! And if I liked the kiss that means I like him, and I just _can't_," she buried her face in her hands. "I didn't like it, I just got caught up in the idea of what your first kiss is supposed to be like. That's all."

"If you say so," Melanie wasn't convinced. "If you want to know for sure, I have an idea."

"I don't know, maybe. What's the idea?

"Saturday night, you be me and I'll be you. We've done it before and no one's ever caught us. Why not now?" Melanie shrugged. She retrieved her yogurt cup and took it to the garbage. She busied herself unloading the dishwasher and continued talking. "So here's how we do it. You go on the date, I hang out with Carly. After, you brief me on what went down so I can react appropriately the next day when she goes all FBI on me. You'll practice your etiquette all afternoon and I'll get you dolled up for the date."

"I don't need to practice. I know how to be you. I've done it plenty of times before," Sam protested.

"It's been three years, you need practice. I won't have you ruining my reputation around here." The dishes clanged as she stacked them on top of each other in the cabinet.

"Fine. Where are we going anyway?"

"I'm not sure. Try to figure it out when you're doing the show tomorrow night."

"You're not coming?" Carly had said she was.

"I was going to, but I'm going to a movie with Wendy, Justin, and Wendy's brother."

"You're going on a double date? What if Freddie finds out and cancels _your_ date? He'll think I went out with Wendy's brother to get out of the date with him, then he'll be even more convinced that you don't exist and we'll have to hear about it _forever_."

"He won't. He's completely determined to get firsthand proof. So yes, I'm going out," she sat down with her chemistry book and got started on a section about electron energy levels.

"Alright… have fun doing homework," Sam rolled her eyes. "I have to go help Carly with the final plan for the show. See you later." Sam pocketed her phone and headed for the bus stop.

Melanie took out her phone and sent a quick text to Carly.

_Cake._

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><p><strong>Please leave me a review and give me ideas for Seddie topics to cover in the future (PG please)<strong>

**P.S. The next chapter will be a continuation of this one, like with iAmbitious and iBaffle.**


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